his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Sorry about my life...
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