These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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