I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Randomize
