apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
this will be a night to untag.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
