i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
