I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
