You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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