dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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