I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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