just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
