**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
