All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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