Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
