i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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