you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
