Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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