well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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