just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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