Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
