I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
