i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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