I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
