We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
