Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
