woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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