You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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