I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
