why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
