Umm I'm too high to move.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
