New low: just hacked my moms facebook
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Boobs speak an international language.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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