Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
