Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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