I wish I could teleport
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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