I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
