when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
