If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
