Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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