The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
