She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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