New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
