he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
