I heard we made out
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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