I got chris browned last night
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
