cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
