he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
