the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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