sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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