Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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