Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
