fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
